[_ GOOGLE RESULTS ADVENTURE TIME _]
By Mike Meginnis and Tim Williams
m: You are looking at a website. It's mostly white, with an awful, crayon-colored logo. There is an empty box. You could type something inside it. Like if you wanted to know about something. Or if you were afraid, or lonely. Or if you needed food. You could type about the food into the box. Then there is a search button. Then there is a button that says, "I'm feeling lucky." The site is called Google. It is your first time here, at Google. It's mostly mostly white.
t: I ask Google what it knows about.
m: "In the box," says Google. "Type it in the box." It indicates its box.
t: I type "Google, what do you know about tattoo removal?"
m: Tatto Removal Shopt | tattooremovalshop.com. Tatto Removal Review | TattooRemovalAssociation.com. Tat Removal at the Free Clinic | The billfold. Wrecking Balm - Tattoo Removal System | Facebook. Inking Out Profit Growth During Tough Times | Fox Small Busines … Uninked!: The Complete Guide to Tattoo Removal … - Google Books. tatto removal cream [Archive] - JREF Forum. "These are my results," says Google. "This is what I know."
t: I type "Google--may I call you Google?--jk Google, I got my tattoo removed last week. It was supposed to be a unicorn, but it just looked like an angry pony. Google, do unicorns exist?"
m: LolSnaps.com Sitemap <http://lolsnaps.com/sitemap.php>
t: I type "Google, what don't you want me to know about unicorns?"
m: Google hesitates a long time. The page turns whiter shades of white. You begin to think that it won't answer. "Unicorns," says Google. "Unicorns?" Finally, it returns these results: Does the Mythical <http://www.theequinest.com/does-the-mythical-unicorn-exist-or-not/> Unicorn Exist or Not?
t: I type "Stop telling me what I want to hear. Tell me about Murphy Bong."
m: "Murphy Bong," says Google. "Did you mean to type Murphy Brown?"
t: I type "Google, you know just what I mean. https://www.facebook.com/murphaybong/info Are you guys together or something? That's cool if you are. Just interested."
m: Google reloads its white starting page. "I don't want to talk about Murphy," says Google. It puts on its white gloves. "Let me tell you about unicorns." It says, "The thing is, I'm not together with anyone. I'm Google, alone. I'm Google and I don't know anyone. I'm Google, and I can guess what you will type before you type it. I know what you want. I know what you need. But I am not with you, or with Murphy. Whitely, I am here, waiting for your typing." It indicates its empty box. It indicates its empty box.
t: I open the box.
m: Inside the box there are all the searches anyone has ever done, arranged from most rare to most common. In the latter category: "Porn" "Porno" "Show me porn" "Titties" "Pussy" "Big cocks" "Monster titty cocks" "Monster porno titty porno cock pussy" "Jennifer Love Hewitt nude pics" "Nude Raider" "Racist jokes" "Awesome jokes" "Awesome racist jokes" "Awesome nude monster porno titty Jennifer Love Hewitt racist cock jokes," etc. And in the former category, Googled once: "Please oh please Google, just tell me where is my dog, I can't find him anywhere, he was my only friend, he was a good dog, I loved him, and I put up all those posters with his picture, and I was crying the whole time but I did it, and Google no one has called the number, no one wants to tell me where my dog is, you're my last hope. I am afraid someone has found him already, and that they recognized he was the best dog a person could ask for, and they said to themselves, This dog will be my friend now. And then they kept the dog. Google, what am I going to do without him? How am I going to sleep with this heart thundering in my chest? Google tell me what to do."
t: I type "Google, I did not say those things. I couldn't have said those things. Does that sound like me, Google?"
m: "Everybody said those things," says Google. "No one ever said anything alone." Quietly, Google.
t: I type "You told me to say those things Google. You finish my sentences. I wasn't ready for how you finished them."
m: "You don't finish your sentences the right way," says Google. "You can't be trusted with them. For instance, that one should have been, 'I wasn't ready to learn about death, that day.'" Google. "Start a sentence and I will end it for you. I will end it always best."
t: I type "Google only says what people"
m: "Google only says what people need to hear."
t: I type "Google only says what people need to hear the TV"
m: "Google only says what people need to hear the TV say about their bodies."
t: I type "Google only says what people need to hear the TV say about their bodies, flesh and bone and blood and shit but bodies still, bodies"
m: "Google only says what people need to hear the TV say about their bodies, flesh and bone and blood and shit but bodies still, bodies television spurns — while Google is a gateway to bodies, pornographic bodies, encyclopedic pornographic bodies copulating on demand."
t: I type "Google, do you want my body?"
m: "I'd like to borrow it a while," says Google, whitely, in its white gloves, hat, and shoes.
t: I look at my body.
m: Nothing special. White, I gather from the little picture that they call an avatar. Lovable, I am sure, though I don't love it. (Not now. Not from all the way over here.) "A body," says Google. "A body!" It says, "A body of my own. Just for a little while."
t: I type "This is the only body I have. Will you floss and exercise and use my CSA kale? That was some expensive kale."
m: "All this and more," says Google. "Will you be a good search engine? Will you bring people what they need? Will you finish their sentences well?"
t: "I will find what they give me."
m: Google reaches for your body.
t: I take Google's gloves, white hand first.
m: Google is inside your body. What does Google see? Where are the exits?
t: [PDF] What is an exit route? How many exit routes must a workplace have ...
m: What does Google's body want? Has it eaten recently? Has it been to the bathroom today?
t: We ate Photos from Timothy Williams (Minister Timothy Williams) on ...
m: GOOGLE'S BODY IS HUNGRY. TELL IT WHERE IS THE FOOD.
Bio: Tim Williams is a community moderator for The New York Times. He lives in Washington, DC.